We Want Money

We want money. We'd just rather no one saw how much.

We set our money goals low and reasonable. A figure we could defend if asked.

We put money on a pedestal, then secretly resent it for never being enough. Wanting it while refusing to crave it keeps us in constant conflict. And money doesn't stay with a woman at war with her own appetite.

A few years ago I wanted to spend a few days at a vineyard in Penedès, Catalonia. It makes wonderful cava and white wines. Right in the middle of the vines is an extraordinary design hotel. The best option was a suite: large, luxurious, with views over the vineyard.

My first instinct was: I want this.

My whole body relaxed when I imagined myself there. I could feel how much I naturally craved that luxury.

Then came the other voice.

"So much space just for you. A room would be enough. You can't really justify spending so much money on a suite. It doesn't make sense."

My body said yes first. The voice went straight for the space. All of it, for me alone.

And I had to look into it. Where am I holding back? Where am I occupying less space? Where am I limiting myself because I judge what I want as "too much"?

That voice is the same one that trims our money goals down to reasonable. It dresses up as good sense, and it keeps us in the room when we wanted the suite. We'd rather no one saw how much we want. Including ourselves.

Next time you're choosing between two options, notice which one your body relaxes into before the negotiating starts. That first yes is your desire. The arguing that follows is learned.

Your body already knows the size of your appetite. It chose the suite.

I write and talk about it every week in SURPLUS, my newsletter and private podcast on desire at full size and the money that answers it.

YOUR JOURNALING PROMPT

Where in your life are you choosing the room when your body wants the suite?